Graves into Gardens | Part II
The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.
I believe and know God is always working for my good even in the bad. He has already faced tomorrow so He plants things, people, places, experiences in our life in His perfect timing so we can have the strength and hope in tomorrow. Part I talked about facing the sunrise and remembering that Joy comes in the morning. But now it’s the morning and you might be thinking, but how can we actually choose, chase and believe JOY in the midst of grief?! I believe it all starts in looking for God’s fingerprints everywhere. Much like a garden, the day you plant the seed of hope and wake up to joy in the morning is not the same day you eat the fruit, or in other words feel the benefit of choosing joy in the grief. I’m not telling you it will be easy, but I’m telling you over time as you continue to water your garden (mind) to choose joy even in the bad, soon you too will be blooming.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
I share this verse to remind you that we don’t thank God FOR the bad and the heartache or the death, but instead we are reminded to give thanks to God IN all circumstances. I’m not joyful FOR all my circumstances but instead I am joyful IN all circumstances. The word IN is so crucial to remember on the hard days. This doesn’t mean I’m not still heartbroken and sad. But it means I’m still choosing Jesus, which means I’m choosing Joy.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28
Living 10,000 miles away from family is hard enough, let alone when there is a death in your family. All I wanted to do was be with my family. However, as I took a step back and started looking for God’s fingerprints on my life, I started to see the joy even in the grief. Below I share a short timeline of how God was (and still is) working for my good months and days before my sweet Grandma went home to Him.
Saturday March 20th:
On this particular Saturday, the day before grandma went to be with jesus, I felt extra lonely, the only other time I felt this type of lonely was when Nana passed away.
When Nana passed in May 2020, June was a super lonely month. I first equated this new season of loneliness to being single. (LOL). But I soon realized I felt an extra hole in my heart because I had never experienced a loss like this before. And plus me and you both know a boyfriend, man, husband doesn’t fix a lonely heart that only God can fix.
This time, when I felt this same type of loneliness, I knew i needed to spend some extra time with Jesus. Little did I know he was preparing my heart for what was coming this week…
Sunday, March 21st:
I went to church and felt renewed. After church, I drove to get an iced latte (duh) and had a word to share with my IG followers. So per usual I started recording a “Car chat with Ky.” This chat was about how truly we are NEVER alone. The two things that are always with us are:
Our Thoughts
God
So I started sharing my heart on how I stay joyful by taking every negative, bad thought captive by giving it to God. and using his word and who He says I am to negate the bad thoughts.
For example -
Me: “I am lonely.”
God: “I am with you always.” - Matthew 28:20
Little did I know i would need to take my own advice and use this method to get me through the next week of grief.
Me: “I am heartbroken and shattered.”
God: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” - Psalm 34:18 “Your sorrow will turn into joy.” John 16:20
So think of your mind as a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can either grow flowers or weeds….
Monday, March 22nd:
I woke up and as I normally do, turn over my phone to either call my mom or dad. It’s my daily routine because of drastic time difference between Australia and Atlanta, GA.
I had a missed FaceTime from my dad. I called him back and quickly realized this was going to be the hardest phone call I’ve ever received. He broke the news that Grandma went to be with Jesus early on March 21st (states time). My heart broke and tears strolled down my face. The next few hours were a blur.
My usual reaction to anything of this sort is to tell friends and lean on my support system.I couldn’t understand why, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. I called my sister and we cried and shared memories over FaceTime. I literally share a lot of my life on social media and my blog and normally crave human connection to get through hard times. But this time the only thing I craved was Jesus; to be alone with Him - something he showed me a few days earlier.
Tuesday, March 23rd:
I had to get gas. I know what you’re thinking, where does this come into the story. Well after finding out about some issues with tax in Australia, I had a little extra financial stress on me this particular day. The same day I needed to fill my tank and GAS AINT CHEAP HERE….
I walk into the store and get in line to pay for gas. (Here in Australia you pump your gas and then pay for it inside after the fact). I get in line behind a lady. I am on my phone not paying attention but after a while I look up to see what is taking so long. I am extremely annoyed. I soon realize what is happening: her card keeps getting declined. Suddenly I knew what I had to do. I paid for both of our gas and as he she started to cry, I wish her a good day and run out before I start to ball my eyes out.
My grandma was the most selfless lady ever. The lady who I paid for her gas thought I did something nice for her, but truly she let me do something nice for me, to honor my Grandma. God gave me the opportunity and I took it with a cheerful servants heart. I dont share this or a pat on the back, but I share it because it reminded me of forgiveness. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for him; He died on the cross for you and me, so that we could live in eternity with him. We don’t forgive people to free them, we forgive other people to free us. We don’t share God’s love because of who other people are; we share God’s love because of who God is IN us. (Remember 1 Thessalions 5:18 above - give thanks IN all circumstances).
The next few days were also a blur…..
I didn’t tell anyone. Work didn’t stop. Basketball didn’t stop. I just tried to be strong, just like the fighter my Grandma was.
Thursday, March 25th:
I hadn’t opened my devotional in a few days and of course the day I opened it was perfect. AND it was exactly what my Car Chat with Ky was about on Saturday, the day before my Grandma went to be with Jesus.
Thursday was a really tough day. I woke up super early to be included in my Grandma’s visitation and stayed up super late to be Facetimed in to my Grandma’s funeral. Although I was so hurt that I could not be in Pittsburgh with my family, I find peace knowing I am right where I am supposed to be.
Saturday, March 27th:
I spent the day with my Aussie fam celebrating a family birthday! We went to a beautiful winery in McLaren Vale here in South Australia. This whole week, I had a choice. A choice to choose my outlook.
I chose joy and because of that I was able to see all the incredible ways God was working in my life even in the storm. His fingerprints are everywhere you just have to look.
The day ended with a perfect, bright sunset; a beautiful God sized hug and wink from Grandma.
Rewind….
Saturday, January 31st:
I moved to Australia in January and my dad decided to sneak something special into one of my suitcases. Because of quarantine, I did not unpack my bags or find this special surprise until I moved to Adelaide in February.
February, 18th:
As I was unpacking I found what Dad had packed in my suitcase: a glass teddy bear. I had no idea what this what or why he could have possibly sent this to me. I was so confused. I called my dad and he said Grandma gave it to me when mom and I moved away from them, so I thought you should have it now. I just kinda smiled and placed it on my dresser. I didn’t think of it until 2 months later…… I should have known all along that God knew what He was doing. My Grandma’s passing was unexpected. So there is only one explanation for this: God is never surprised. He’s always on time and He is always faithful. My heart may be broken, but because of Him I have hope for tomorrow and a piece of my Grandma here in Australia.
Listen to those little tugs on your heart and chase after those dreams on your heart - that’s God speaking to you waiting for you to unlock all He has for you. If my dad didn’t listen to the tug on his heart to pack this teddy bear, I wouldn’t have had something so special from Grandma in a time where I am grieving and 10,000 away from my family. Keep listening. I know that I am going to see a victory because the battle belongs to Him. God’s got this.
Keep looking for Him in all things and I promise your battles won’t go away but they will get easier and you will get stronger. And remember….
We all grow at our own pace.
Like I’ve said it before, grief is a journey not a destination. So much like gardens, everyone is different with their grief journey. This is a reminder to be kind to everyone always. You never know what dirt they want through to be blooming where they are now. I share this of my own grief journey in hopes it can encourage you to keep facing the sunlight, keep growing and keep choosing joy. Soon you will be blooming too.
